That is It

"All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds, wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act on their dreams with open eyes, to make them possible." - T.E. Lawrence

Look at me. 

That is it, the day I have been waiting for has come at last. 

One-way ticket with no official return date. India will be my temporary home for the next two months. From there, I will find home somewhere else. I will not know where I am going, but I know I will keep on going somehow. Maybe I will return within weeks. Maybe I will wait a long time before coming home. Maybe I will never return. 

Look at me, rushing towards my lifelong dream of wandering around the world without no future to contemplate, no past to carry, and nothing to nail me down. 

I want you to look at me, to really look at me. And to remember that I am not putting myself on a plane bound for Mumbai just to prove you that I am good at something. I will fail at something while I am traveling. I will offend someone on the road. I will make mistakes that will thrust unwanted consequences upon me. 

I am not on the plane to prove you that I am brave, that I am worldly, or that I am succeeding at achieving my dream. 

The truth is, I am actually testing out my dream. To see if this dream is exactly what I have been dreaming of. To find out that what I am searching for is what I wish to discover. To explore my fears. 

A few years ago, while working on eliciting gems from my annus horribilis, I made a promise to myself: I will confront my fears, no matter how utterly terrified I am of examining the darkest and probably the most pathetic part of myself. 

I am determined to understand myself, to embrace myself, and to love myself wholeheartedly without reserve. 

I am terrified of failing at something I have been wanting to do. 

So I am confronting this fear. 

I am terrified of living a life without knowing future plans.

So I am confronting this fear. 

I am terrified of leaving all my comforts behind.  

So I am confronting this fear. 

I am terrified of being forgotten. 

So I am confronting this fear. 

More fears will come up while I am traveling, and I am determined to confront each of these fears when time comes for me to greet them--and to befriend them. I intend to be compassionate toward my fears and to be gentle toward myself as I transform this dream into a reality and allow this reality to uncover many secrets within me. 

No, I am not brave. 

It actually took all my willpower to push myself out of the United States with an one-way ticket in my hand. I reminded myself every single day that I must fulfill the promise I made to myself years ago. I cursed myself for managing to find a lucid moment that allowed me to smile upon my fears and to purchase this dreaded one-way ticket. At the same time, I am proud of myself for stepping over my fear to give myself the gift of living out my dream. 

I am confronting my fear. I am seeing how brave I am. And to forgive myself when I am not brave. 

No, I am not worldly. 

I liked to imagine the world as a place I have never seen before in my life and must meet once again. I liked to meet people different from me and to discover our similarities. In a way, I am still a child far too curious for my own good. However, I did not necessarily welcome the world into my little world. Now I am challenging myself to see how far I can travel and how capable I can be in situations utterly foreign to my little world. I am demanding myself to be stripped naked so I can confront myself bare naked, out of my little world. I am choosing to welcome the world to undo me. 

I am confronting my fear. I am seeing how worldly I am. And to forgive myself when I am not worldly. 

No, I am not succeeding at achieving my dream. 

Failure is my pain. I cannot bear the idea of flunking even a measly quiz. My face turned pepper red whenever someone discussed about how lame I was for not being successful at a thing. I defined myself based on my successes rather than on my failures. I insisted on using my failures as cautionary tales rather than let "Ah, shit happens" stands as it is. Now I am working on accepting my failures. I am insisting on perceiving my failures as inverse successes, as stories as good as my successes. I am pushing myself to allow myself to fail shamelessly in front of the world. 

I am confronting my fear. I am seeing how successful I am at achieving my dream. And to forgive myself when I fail. 

Yes, this journey is personal to me. I am inviting you to look at me. I am inviting you to allow me to share my fears, my dreams, my failures, and my successes. I am inviting you to respect the life I am attempting to create and to forgive me when I find myself living a different kind of life. 

That is it. 

I am excited, scared, hopeful, determined, anxious, and ready for this dream to happen. 

I am starting to witness the unfolding of my dream and to find out where this dream will take me. 

Wish me luck!