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| Everyone before they realized this irresistible baby was deaf |
I was born into a hearing family. An educated hearing family headed by a loving mother, to be exact. It made all the difference in my life.
I hit the jackpot in being born to a mother who had been trained as a Special Education teacher. She knew nothing about American Sign Language and Deaf Culture. She knew everything about the importance of getting your facts before making a decision.
That was exactly what she did when she found out I was deaf four days before my second birthday.
Confronted with so many options, so many possibilities, and so many interventions from different experts, my mother eventually chose to honor my Deaf identity and instill in me the pride of being Deaf, being fluent in two different languages, and belonging to two different cultures through bringing me to Deaf people, teaching me ASL and English, and discussing with me about the difference between two worlds, both of which are very, very precious to my heart.
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| One of those good ol' family pictures |
My mother learned ASL for me. My father also learned ASL, to the best of his abilities. One of my brothers fueled in me the competitiveness to claim ASL as my primary language by learning along with me.
My mother chose a Deaf school for me in order to give me access to the world she knew nothing about--the Deaf world. This school taught me to embrace my so-called difference from my parents and brothers and from many others. Along with my mother, this school nurtured in me the potential to be the best version of who I am by believing in me.
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| Me with the first of many teachers in my life and the one who knew me practically before my 'linguistic birth' |
Then I left a Deaf school for a mainstreamed school, where I was the only Deaf student among thousands of students. With a Special Education teacher for a mother and a D/HH teacher for a dear family friend who had known me before I even knew ASL, I was guided, nurtured, and protected throughout my four years in the public school setting. By the time I left for college, my confidence in being a Deaf-identified, ASL-signing young woman was unshakeable, and I was prepared to return and to embrace the Deaf world that I had neglected during my high school years. My life afterwards had capitulated to this confidence and emphasized its value to me as a human being.
Because of so many fortunate and extraordinary factors in my life, I am reaching the point in my life where I am very much capable of fulfilling my own potential because of all the tools I have acquired and all the love I received throughout my life. I feel so lucky, so grateful, and so proud of where I am right now.
What is my point in telling you all these things?
Basically, I am informing you that I had grown up bilingual and bicultural. I was raised to move comfortably between the Deaf world and the hearing world. I was raised to understand ASL as one of its native* signers and to understand English as one of its native* writers.
I am also adding this new piece of information: I am a trained sign language linguist with an obsession for pinpointing exactly why we all are quietly struggling to understand one culture or the other culture, one language or the other language. Why being bilingual and bicultural can be such a psychological pain in the ass sometimes, especially when we throw the history of oppression in the mix?
So many factors. So many explanations. So many theories. So fuckin' many reasons!
I am here to tell you that you have every right to think one language is better than the other language. That is a classic sign of being bilingual--you are so conscious of the difference between two languages that you are forever changing your mind about which language is the best to express yourself.
Remember that both languages are linguistically equal in every respect of explaining your interaction with the world. It is you who decide which language is the best in representing you in specific circumstances. It is you who decide which language is failing you and which language is supporting you. Your countless experiences with each language play a large role--an exceptionally prominent role, actually--in prompting you to favor one language over the other language in each situation.
I am here to tell you that you have every right to secretly think one culture is better than the other culture. That is a classic sign of being bicultural--you are so aware of the striking difference between two cultures that you find yourself carrying around the culture of your own--the personalized, blended culture emerging from your exposure to two cultures. In our particular case, being bicultural is a challenge because we are also coming from a minority group whose culture has long been misunderstood and oppressed by the other culture, which also happens to be our other culture as well! If you take pride in belonging to both cultures and believe these cultures are equally beautiful, more power to you. If you find yourself appreciating one culture more than the other culture, remember to honor your unique identity as a member of two cultures whose perspective of the world is deeply nuanced based on your interactions within each culture.
What a fascinating, complex people we all are.
I am telling you these things because I want you to take comfort in all the challenges and joys of being bilingual and bicultural. If you grow up in a hearing family who knows nothing about your Deaf culture, you are still bilingual and bicultural because you are actively participating to a certain degree in both cultures. If you grow up in a Deaf family who raise you mostly in the Deaf culture, you are still bilingual and bicultural.
If your English is comparably less proficient than your ASL, you are still bilingual. When your English dominates your ASL, you are also bilingual regardless. It is a misconception that you must be equally fluent in both languages in order to be bilingual. A horrible misconception.
Becoming bilingual is when you become an user of two languages. Many linguists often hesitate when they are asked pointedly about how to assess one's fluency in each language. How could we measure a person's skills when language is one of the most complicated systems ever created by the humankind? How could we know the difference between pure ASL and bilingual/multilingual ASL, especially when so many know at least one other language besides ASL? How could we dare to venture out our guess about one's proficiency when there are so many factors to consider--the way one is being assessed, one's mental and emotional state at the time of assessment, the environment that covertly elicits one's way of speech/signing, and many more?
How could we?
Whenever I meet someone who grew up bilingual and bicultural and listen to this person's confessions about how they feels they do not live up to the ultimate example of being bilingual and bicultural, I am often overwhelmed with this urge of getting this person into my mind so they can collect all the information I've accumulated throughout my life about sign language linguistics, bilingualism, biculturalism, and life experiences and then find peace in their identities.
It is okay to question your bilingual identities. It is okay to wonder if you are not bilingual enough. It is okay to worry about your fluency in each language. It is okay to prefer one language over the other language.
I am here to tell you that these thoughts and feelings are the classic signs that you are bilingual thorough and thorough.**
* Okay, the term "native" is sorta controversial (long story, and I am afraid I'll end up writing a dissertation on this term. Better to keep it short and sweet) . . . the best term in my case is "early signer" because I've gone language-less for the first two years of my life. As for English, 'proficient' is the best term to describe my background. I instead chose 'native' because, well, ASL and English are the first languages to occupy space in my mind and to shape my identity. I found myself through these languages.
** The same remains true for those who are multilingual, multicultural, and/or beyond description in terms of identifying yourself. To those who are so, I hope you will find a way to honor your beautifully intersectionalized identity.
