In fact, it seems to me that it takes more willpower to turn a page than to linger on the same page.
Fear is holding my hand, pausing me in my decision to move forward.
I am afraid of the unknown. I am afraid of returning and finding that things remain the same. I am also afraid of returning and finding that so many things have changed.
I dream big. My desires are powerful, and I feel rather small in comparison to these desires that govern my choices.
This long journey around the world changed me. That is certain. And I also remain the same. I know that when I return home, I will see the world differently but my rhythm of being shall remain the same.
My soul is growing bigger, my mind opened up to more possibilities, and I am giving myself more freedom to simply be. No demands on improving myself. No pressure on proving others I deserve their respect, their praise and particularly their love.
I know exactly what I deserve: me, myself, and I.
I have myself right from the very beginning. I witness every single second of my being and am very intimately acquainted with my thoughts, my fears, my passions and my moments.
How could I hate myself for being so brave to be myself?
How could I hate myself for daring to live my story?
How could I hate myself when love is all I have to offer to myself?
I will have my weak moments. I will cower before fear and take an easy route. I will fall into pits of my stupid decisions.
But for every weak moment, there is a strong moment. I will stand up to fear and push forward. I will leap over the mountains of my wise decisions.
I know so because I lived through these moments again and again, before and during the trip around the world. I am grateful for my strength to grow from these moments and especially grateful for others to help me through these moments when I feel l am failing myself.
I imagine, in time, many years later, I will look back to this long trip around the world and forget what I promised to remember. I do not need to remember the trip. My mind is filled with too many memories. No use in clinging to certain memories and to make them define my life.
All I need to do is to continue on with my life. This big trip, the long memory that has altered my views on so many other memories, will live on among many other memories, waiting for many new memories to come along and to transform the meaning of this particular memory.
And I also discover that life is full of surprises. Surprises beyond the surprises I created for others. Surprises beyond my wildest dreams.
I had bought a return ticket. I am going to return to the United States.
When? I will not tell you out of the interest to preserve the opportunity of finding quietness in my transition from a globe-trekker to a city girl.
Before I bought the airfare, I informed my best friend, who had given me so much support and love throughout my joys and pains, that I was ready to come home. I think.
He pushed me through my anxieties of returning home. Like I've said before, once you get going, it's hard to stop.
He was basically holding my hand as I officially scheduled my hello to the United States.
Only to give me the greatest surprise ever: he is going to fly home with me.
He is flying to Europe to pick me up and help me--or drag me--through possible emotinal breakdowns and customs, to the United States.
This extraordinary surprise told me that I will be okay. That life is full of surprises no matter where you are. That my journey does not really end there.
I am going to continue writing. I am going to continue sharing my thoughts and stories with you all, no matter where I am.
For my journey has not ended.
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